Imagine this scenario: You’re hanging out with your man. The two of you start talking. At first, it is casual, enjoyable even; however, you said something or a subject came up and suddenly, everything seems to be imploding.
His mood has changed and his easy going tone is gone. Instead, he’s acting pissed off, and you’re at the center of his rather intense temper.
When your man gets angry, perhaps you can consider talking him off the ledge instead of provoking him to get even more agitated. After all, if you love him, why would you want to see him upset?
It may be a challenge to get your man to reel off of anger, but it can certainly still be done. Here are some ways to calm him down to diffuse the tense situation around you when he gets mad:
1. Remain Silent
Give the situation time to wind down. There are times when doing nothing at all is better than making a move. This is especially true when dealing with your man who is already very upset and angry. Sometimes, it is best to not say anything that could lead to the situation getting even worse.
Moreover, this way, your man will also have some time to calm himself down. Once he does, he may be able to get a better handle on his emotions and the situation at hand. In addition, the tension between you may just deescalate on its own gradually.
However, once the tension is gone, you have to remember to still talk to him about what made him upset. If left unresolved, the issue can trigger another moment of anger in him. Even worse, pent up anger can also lead to a constant feeling of resentment. When this happens, he can get upset with you for what seems like no reason more often.
2. Let Him Have His Personal Space
Just like women, men could also use some time to themselves, especially after having a tense argument with their partner. Sometimes, letting him have his own space allows him to calm himself more effectively.
At the same time, giving your man his space for a little while also gives him the chance to process his own emotions and thoughts privately. After all, when the tension brought out by anger dissipates, he is able to think more clearly and therefore, make a better judgment of the situation.
Just stand back and give him time to come around. In the meantime, take the time to process your own thoughts and feelings. Play back your argument in your head and try to figure out exactly what made him so mad at you. Perhaps, you too can gain a better understanding of the situation.
3. Make an Appeal to Reason
There are times when you might feel your man is getting so upset for practically nothing. Say, you make a suggestion to see a new movie because a male co-worker of yours suggested it to you. Telling your partner this, however, might make him mad instead of excited. After all, men, like women, do get jealous.
When something like this happens, appeal to his sense of reason. Ask him the real reason why he’s really upset with you and resolve his issue as a couple. Don’t make fun of whatever his issue is. Be understanding and assure him there is really nothing to be upset about.
4. Lower Your Own Aggression
Sometimes, you might feel the need to assert yourself even more when your man is already getting quite mad at you. Don’t get tempted. Deescalate the tension within you instead of using it to lash out at your man even more.
After all, further aggression will only be met by even more aggression from your partner. When this happens, you both may end up say something you don’t really mean and may even regret saying afterwards.
If you love him and you want to stay in a relationship with him, stop the situation from getting worse by calming yourself down. Perhaps, when he sees that you are willing to stop fighting, he would feel it unnecessary to keep fighting with you too. When the tension subsides, you can both communicate and understand each other better.
5. When You Feel the Need to Say Something, Use Constructive Criticism
When you’re having a heated argument with your man and you know it’s because he did something wrong, don’t just point things out so blatantly. Think about how he would perceive what you’re about to say. Give him constructive criticism if you have to point out what he did that caused the two of you to fight.
6. Show Some Affection
They say that love heals all wounds, so go ahead and show some to get your man to calm down. Remind him of your love and respect for each other. Remind him that you’re in love with him.
7. Be Sincere When You Communicate
Never use sarcasm during a heated argument with your man. This can only make the situation worse between the two of you. Talk honestly and sincerely so that you two can resolve your issues without any tension.
8. Don’t Threaten Him by Withholding Affection and Sex
Some women feel that the best way to let their man know they’re upset to withhold affection and sex. This, however, only leads to feelings of resentment, which can eventually cause a break up.
Continue to show affection. It reminds him that you’re still a couple, even when you’re having an argument.
9. Don’t Forget to Compliment Him
He needs your affirmation. Sometimes, his anger is simply due to his own disappointment in himself. Avoid this by giving him compliments often. Let him know he’s appreciated and loved.
10. Speak His Mind
There are times when your man may not be able to readily say why he has gotten mad although you already have a feeling that you know why. When this happens, try to talk to him about your ‘suspicions.’ Let him know you understand him.
11. Resolve Every Fight and Never Bury an Issue
Every time you fight, make sure you work on resolving an issue permanently. Buried issues between you and your man can only lead to pent up anger and frustration.
12. Remember that You’re Not Just Lovers
You’re also good friends. Your man is not just your lover. He is also your best friend. Sometimes in a tense situation, all you need to do is remind him that. Be there for him.
13. Talk to an Expert Together
When you feel that your man is overly aggressive with his anger, it may be time to bring an expert in. Attend couple’s therapy together.
14. Go to Anger Management Class as a Couple
If your man gets too angry most of the time, it may be time to take him to anger management class. When he does, take the class with him. Be supportive.
15. Find Fun, Physical Ways to Release Anger and Stress
The tension between the two you can possibly be resolved by doing something fun and physical. Try a new sport together or even a new sex position. Rekindle your romance and talk openly.
16. Get Him to Do Yoga with You
Yoga can be calming. Encourage to him to go on the mat with you to meditate. Afterwards, talk about your issues.
Emotions on Fire: Understanding the Emotion of Anger
Anger is normal. After all, it is an emotion, a natural response to a situation or subject that one objects to. According to the Mayo Clinic, it also happens to be the way a person naturally responds in the face of perceived threats. You know you are feeling angry when you feel your muscles begin to tighten and both your heart rate and blood pressure start to increase.
There is no need to feel alarmed every single time you experience anger though. After all, this negative emotion is not all bad. This is because when it comes to relationships, showing your partner that something upsets you may, in fact, provide the opportunity for both of you to become more open with each other.
Moreover, anger is also an emotion so strong that it can serve as an effective motivating force towards something positive. According to a study conducted by the Department of Psychology of Utrecht University in The Netherlands, anger proved to be a good motivation tool in inspiring the test subjects to obtain something they badly wanted.
In addition, another study published by the Department of Social and Decision Sciences in Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburg found that unlike fear, anger has a tendency to decrease pessimistic thinking. Moreover, whereas fear typically leads to an increase in risk estimates and precautionary measures, anger did the opposite. Like happiness, anger seems to inspire optimism in a person.
Breaking It Down: The Three Main Forms of Anger
Just like a lot of things in life, anger comes in different forms. According to the Podar Group of Schools in India, there are three styles of anger, including:
- Masked anger is felt by a person without even realizing it. This is also the kind of anger that one feels when they feel they are being underestimated or treated unfairly.
- Explosive anger is quick and exaggerated. People who exhibit this kind of anger tend to become dangerous individuals.
- Chronic anger happens when people stew over it for a period of time. Moreover, because this kind of anger is continuously felt over time, the individual becomes incapable of letting go of it.
Internalized Anger: A Word on Self Abuse
Meanwhile, self-abuse can also be recognized as a style of anger. Here, a person simply finds ways to blame oneself regardless of the situation. Moreover, the self-abuse kind of anger is often expressed by someone who believes that it’s easier to get mad at themselves than blame someone else when a difficult situation arises. The problem with self-abuse is that it can lead to continued feelings of disappointment and even depression.
Stealthy Anger: Insidious and Infectious
At the same time, there are also styles of anger that lead to confusion on the part of the recipient. The first is avoidance. Here, the person becomes hesitant to confront any negative situation head on. Instead, this person simply chooses to let everyone think that they are fine even when privately, they are not.
Here are some of the problems with trying to push real emotions away:
- Avoidance leads to confusion. The problem with the avoidance kind of anger is that people around you might start thinking that you are okay with a certain situation. Because of this, what bothered you once may most likely bother you again. In addition, all that pent up anger may lead to a number of self-destructive behaviors, such as alcohol abuse, overspending or overeating.
- The sting of sarcasm lasts a long time. Perhaps, if there is a style of anger that bordering on aggressive, it would be sarcasm. It’s the kind of anger that people casually dish out at someone else, especially when a situation leads to a bit of irritation. The problem with this kind of anger is that the real meaning of what you’re trying to say can get left out.
When this happens, there’s a chance that you can have even more miscommunication with someone and the tense situation you’re already in can get even worse. Avoid sarcasm as much as possible.
Convey what you really mean clearly and to the point. Explain to the other person what made you upset. Don’t just expect that others will be able to understand the meaning behind your sarcasm.
On the other hand, the University Health Services at the Berkley University of California characterizes anger styles the same way. However, it also recognizes the assertive type of anger. Here, the said emotion is characterized as being appropriately managed. Moreover, it is also communicated when necessary.
Navigating Rough Emotional Waters: Damage Control in the Wake of Anger
Nonetheless, one must never get too caught up in anger. After all, uncontrolled anger is not a good thing. For starters, too much of this strong negative emotion can lead to complications of the heart, literally:
- Heart Disease: This is what the Harvard Medical School discovered when it conducted a study involving 1,305 men with an average age of 62. They found that the angriest men among the group were three times more likely to suffer from heart disease than those who are calmest among them.
- Heart Attacks: At the same time, a study done by researchers from the John Hopkins School of Medicine involving 1,055 medical students for 36 years also found that those who have the angriest temper are six times likelier to suffer a heart attack by age 55. In addition, these “hotheads” are also three times more likely develop some sort of heart disease or blood vessel disease.
- Strokes: Even more alarming, it was also found that when one is experiencing an angry outburst, the person is twice more likely to suffer a heart attack than if they were calmer. At the same time, a study involving 200 stroke patients in Israel also found that a brief period of intense anger readily contributes to a 14-fold increase in one’s risk of suffering a stroke just within two hours of the outburst.
Negative emotions prove to be significant triggers when it comes to experiencing a stroke. In fact, the study conducted in Israel also found that as much as 30 percent of its participants experienced anger or other negative emotions such as irritability, hostility, guilt, fear and nervousness about two hours before they suffered a stroke.
- Devastating Emotional Decisions: Aside from significant negative health effects, anger also does a lot of bad things to a person psychologically. For one thing, anger can mess up with your judgment. Especially during that very moment when you are filled with negative emotion, it is possible for you to do an action that you may end up regretting afterwards. After all, when you’re raging mad, your ability to think about the consequences of your actions becomes impaired.
- Depression: At the same time, all that anger can also lead to a case of serious depression. This is because is an emotion that’s rooted in a lot of negativity after. When you feel angry all the time, you also tend to become very sad person. Moreover, all this sadness can push one to turn to unhealthy habits such as alcoholism, overspending, drug abuse, overeating and even self-harm.
Gender Differences: Perceptions of Anger Between Men and Women
On the other hand, gender differences and perception play a role in how men and women are perceived when they get angry. According to Eric Luis Uhlmann, a professor of Management and Human Resources at HEC Paris, men and women express anger differently because of how the rest of their social circle perceives them whenever they have an outburst.
Here’s what they found:
- Women: For starters, a woman expressing anger is perceived as an expression of her personality. This is why a woman who gets upset may be seen as incompetent and unreliable in the workplace. Another consequence a woman tends to suffer when gets made at the office as that she loses professional respect from her co-workers as they start to view her as “out of control.”
- Men: In contrast, a man who expresses anger assertively in the workplace is seen as a good thing. Moreover, getting mad while among peers leads a man to become more highly regarded and seen as more powerful and independent. In fact, men who get angry at work can even get higher pay whereas women who do the same can possibly get demoted.
- Couples: In a relationship, both men and women may deal with anger differently than when they are in the workplace. After all, the heated argument they are having is between a couple who still have mutual feelings with each other. Therefore, these feelings can help temper one’s anger toward each other. There are times, however, when anger between each other escalates despite the attraction and feelings a couple still shares.
When a couple has been in a relationship for a significant period of time, anger becomes an emotion that gets harder to understand. It’s because you have known each other for so long that you both start to think that the other is capable of reading your thoughts and feelings almost intuitively throughout any situation.
This assumption results in a lot of miscommunication as the couple stops communicating clearly. When this happens, disappointment starts to develop in the relationship. It doesn’t take long for resentment to follow. Before you know it, you are already angry at each other.
- Men in a Relationship: Men deal with anger in relationships differently. There are those who lash out at the woman they are in a relationship with every time they get agitated. Sometimes, this leads to verbal abuse and worse, physical abuse.
- Teens: According to love is respect organization, as much as one in three adolescents living in the U.S. is a victim of abuse from a dating partner, be it physical, sexual and emotional. Moreover, almost 1.5 million high school students have admitted to experiencing physical abuse from their dating partner during a single year.
Meanwhile, some try to ignore their anger altogether, hoping that doing so will help them avoid another great big argument with their spouse. While this may be viewed by some as noble, this kind of way in dealing with anger may also pose a problem in the future. After all, a negative emotion that is simply set aside and not dealt with may lead to a lot of pent up anger that can come up to the surface unexpectedly and lead to a nasty fight between the couple.
A man’s expression of anger in a relationship is usually triggered by something that a woman has said or done. For you, the issue may have been insignificant, but for him, it was enough to piss him off and drive him over the edge. An angry man is never fun to be in a relationship with. Dealing with one can be stressful after all. Over time, so much stress can also take a toll on the relationship and even cause a break up.
When anger arises in your man, it is better to work on resolving the situation between the two of you instead of making things worse. Work together and see which method works for you best in calming your man down.